"If you go down in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise
If you go down in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
For ev'ry Bear that ever there was
Will flee the woods for certain, because
Today's the day Werp's going to meet his BeeeeeeJay",
hummed Werp, bouncing happily along an outlying path toward the home hole of his beloved BJ. He was dancing ecstatically and the few stumbles he had while twirling did not lessen his enthusiasm in the least. He hopped in the air lightly a little like a fairy and landed down lightly a little like a packet of margarine.
"I'm a big big girl in a big big world
it's not a big big thing if you leeeeave meeee
but I do do feel and I do do miss you much miss you much...
It's all very cold outside like the way I'm feeling inside
Outside it's not raining and tears are falling from my eyes
Oh heck what did have to happen? Why did it all have to end?
But it's okay coz I have my arms around me warm like fire ohhh
But when I open my eyes - look out! It's not BJ it's me!"
he rapped on without any clear reason. Next he performed the Swan Lake ballet, familiar from figure skating events, accompanied by all the appropriate moves.
In the meantime, not very far away...
Mimu was hunched behind some bushes on the top of a nearby hill which was by the path, contemplating Evil schemes for Werp's undoing. His eyes gleamed with a fierce fire as he waited for the right moment. His remaining teeth ground together as he heard an annoying humming getting closer. Restraining himself from charging right at the merry boy he carefully dragged himself next to a bunch of rocks he had piled there on the top of the hill.
"Is this the real life? Is this just Fantasy?" he whispered to himself, grinning. He gave a nudge to the pile of rocks and they rumbled off down the hill. "Caught in a landslide, No escape from reality", he sang, tasting Victory.
As the rocks rolled down the hill, gaining friends and momentum, Werp noticed a lovely flower in a nearby ditch and happily trodded over to pick it up. The whole hill started heaving as half of it broke down and within seconds the rest of the hill collapsed. Werp climbed up from the ditch, noticed a huge mound of stone blocking the path back, shrugged and continued his journey not realising anything for a change.
Some moments later someone could be heard singing amidst the collapsed remains of the hill. "Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see, I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy..."
So did Werp continue on his way through a beautiful, rustic forest to a smallish neighborhood. Soon BJ's comfortable ravine could be seen on the left side of the path. Werp was just about to turn to the garden path leading there when he heard Cindy Lauper's most annoying song ahead of him, so he quickly whirled around and fled to make an extra lap around the block, trying hard to block out the horrible piece with his own singing.
"Imagine me and you -- I do!
I think about u day 'n night
it's only trite
to think about the girl you luv
and hold her thigh, I mean tight
so happy to-geee-thaaaa bum bum bum bum bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM
I can't see Mimu loving nobody but Mimu
for all his liiife",
Werp continued improvising freely, but stopped singing abruptly noticing another nice present he could bring to BJ. "Comecomecome little girl", he enticed the present closer.
In the meantime, Mimu was again scheming to bring about Werp's demise. Perhaps you wonder how such an unholy hatred had spawned? Fortunately for you all those thousands of hours spent in front of the computer have made Mimu a person who often talks to himself. Let us watch as he's haggling for some necessary supplies at the corner hardware store. Who knows, he may even shed some light on the nonexistent plot-line of this story.
"nailsnailsnails...."
"You can have a sackful for ten bucks", the salesperson suggested warily.
Mimu turned his head 720 degrees around and mumbled, "roperoperope..."
"D'you wanna hang yourself?" the salesperson queried wistfully.
"foobarfoobarfoobar", Mimu babbled on, going through the sale bin. He found a rusty saw, a stuffed penguin and a classic Acme anvil. "HRMMMM", he hummed contentedly.
"One cent each", the salesperson reminded him. Mimu's Judgement Day Gaze™ turned to the poor salesperson. "And five liters of Coca-Cola for free since you're my regular customer!"
"HRMMMMMM! :)"
Once Mimu had left the store, the salesperson sighed deeply and gazed heavenward. "I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay..."
A heavenly chorus sang its consolence, "Ain't it sad."
"And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me..."
The heavenly chorus was in agreement, "That's too bad."
Well that didn't make much sense. Although, Mimu's sudden calming down when cola was mentioned may give a hint of what is to come. Before I reveal anything more, let's see what Mimu is up to next.
Mimu was waddling toward the nearby forest path carrying a heap of supplies. On the way he chuckled to himself again.
"qwerty", he whispered in a loud voice and laughed. "dirdirdirdirdirdirCLSdirdirdirCLSdirdir", he repeated again and again like some obscene mantra. (Apparently he was brought up in the DOS era - and look how he turned out!)
Mimu climbed up to a nearby tree, most of the stuff he had just bought stuffed in his backpack. He started carefully balancing the anvil on a tree branch. He pulled out a rope and tied it to the anvil, then jumped down. Proceeding with the trap and bellowed out to the world in general.
"Buggy code eh? hehehehe Here's some buggy code for ya... This's gonna be a frag for me! There's no Codez for RL... IDDQD! IDDQD! wtf..? SPLAT! WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!!!!"
Now Werp was already approaching the fateful trap. He suspected nothing and strode onwards with his new pet at the end of a leash: A Large Rabid Sewer Rat, whom he had named Sara just to annoy Mimu. Sara was clearly unhappy with her tight collar and was very hard trying tear it off while Werp was dragging her along.
"Take me down to Breepath city
Where the grass is green and BJ seems pretty
OWWW pleeez take me home!
sofarawaysofarawaysofarawaysofaraway..."
Since he couldn't remember the rest of the lyrics, Werp went on whistling Mimu Muzak 3 Remake, walking completely oblivious into the vile snare Mimu had laid for him. Mimu himself was again hunched behind a set of bushes nearby, chuckling gleefully.
A transparent line had been strung across the dirt path and Werp tripped on it, falling over just like Mimu had planned. Off to the side of the road the line went around a branch and up to the treetops, where it tipped over a small bowl filled with staples. The staples rained down and popped a delicately placed helium balloon. The balloon had been holding a set of scales in balance and as the scales now tipped to the right side it hit a flint stone, creating a cloud of sparks which lit a nearby fuse.
While this was taking place Werp had already stood up and was walking off, dragging a loose leash behind him. Now we of course think that the whole contraption failed because Werp should have stayed put, but Mimu had anticipated this and used his trusty function calculator to pinpoint Werp's exact position at the crucial moment.
The fuse burnt up in seconds to the tree branches, where a toy penguin was awaiting. The penguin's stuffings had been cruelly ripped out and replaced with fireworks. On the same branch was the final part of the trap, a classic Acme anvil which only stayed up because of a rope that had been tied around the tree trunk. As the fireworks went off, the rope was shredded and the anvil joyfully leaped off to freedom.
A vengeful large rodent was just sneaking behind Werp and at the moment she deemed right, she leaped at Werp's neck, baring her glistening fangs. A third of a meter is as close as she got.
Werp turned around bewildered and saw an anvil partly sunken in the path, and a rat's tail could be seen poking out from under it. He wondered if he should take the tail to the local Dragon King but then recalled the true purpose of his journey and took the anvil with him as the second present since the pet rat had disfuncted. He bounced onward again, rejoicing greatly over finding so many cool objects just lying around.
Mimu was sitting in the bushes, chewing his calculator in frustration. He had done a minor round-off calculation error.
"I'm going slightly mad....
I'm going slightly maaad....
It finally happened!
It FINALLY happened! oh hohoho
It finally happened -- I'm slitely MAD...."
"Oh dear", he sighed.
As for Werp, he arrived safe and sound at BJ's home hole. With extreme politeness he knocked on the oval-shaped door. A call carried from within, "Just a minute!"
Cherishing the aural delight of hearing Her voice, he was content to wait an eternity. After a minute he was really getting fed up with waiting, so he decided to sing a little something to kill some time.
"I wrote her off for the tenth time today
Practiced all the things I would say
I came over
She lost her nerve
She turned her back, to the poor twerp
Now I know I'm being used
That's OK dude (I like the abuse)
I know she's playing with me
That's OK too -- I've got no self-esteem oh HEY OHH AYEEAA YEHAAHAA"
"True", a BJ standing at the door mumbled, rolling her eyes.
"Oh! You got here already", Werp noticed. He then begun with reasonable politeness and quite a lot of confidence, "Hiya BeeJay."
"Hi Werp", she replied likewise confident chewing her gum.
"Wanna go for a ride?"
"Forget it!"
Deciding that a more direct approach might produce better results, Werp cleared his throat.
"Everytime I look into your lovely eyes
I see a love that money just can't buy
One look from you I drift away
I pray that you are here to stay"
BJ looked slightly uncomfortable but kept quiet and turned around to go back inside.
Werp decided now was a good time for the flower. He presented the prettyish yellow flower with an amount of politeness. "BeeJay, before you go, there's something I want you to have", he said shyly.
"Ohhh, it's beautiful", BJ smiled turning back to Werp. "But hang on a mo, isn't this --"
"Yeah", Werp breathed, "yes it is."
"But I thought these only grew in roadside gutters!"
"Well baby, I went down and got it for ya."
"Ewwww.... you _shouldn't_ have", BJ grimaced noticing the flower's unpleasant stench and its disgusting muddyness. "But I guess it's the thought that counts."
"Woohoo! ... I did it again", thought Werp under his breath politeishly.
"But then", BJ gradually continued, throwing the flower on a pile of similar flowers in the garbage can next to her, "I think you've brought quite enough of them already."
Before anyone could protest, Werp grabbed an FM-synthesizer straight from the 70's, played a two-minute intro and then sang again:
"After the first embrace from you
My senses knew the look of love was in your eyes
And after we first --"
BJ interrupted him. "We haven't."
"We haven't?" Werp asked perplexed. He couldn't always remember everything.
"No. And, you're still a... a uh..." BJ tried to find a suitable expression. "Inexperienced."
"I am!?"
BJ nodded.
"Well let's fix that then. How's about you an' me gettin' it on", Werp queried less than politely. BJ did not return his smile, instead she sang a part of a beutiful song.
"If you should stay you'd only be in my way so go... and no, I'll not think of you every step you take away"
Werp attempted to suppress a sob, turning away. He took a few steps, silently mourning to himself, "Her soul slides away but don't look back in anger, I hear she say..."
BJ could not take it anymore. She really did love Werp from the bottom of her heart and she had just been teasing him before. He leaped a half-step to the slowly-exiting Werp and hugged him hard enough to cause considerable pain.
studio audience sighs happily
When Werp was at last released from BJ's grip, he retreated a few meters from her warily and eyed her in wonder. "I will never understand girls", he muttered.
"Girls just wanna have fun", someone suggested from behind him.
"He-hey, that's true!" Werp cried gladdened. "When the working day is done --" His joy was short-lived as he recognized the voice. It belonged to his arch-enemy Mimu.
And, true enough, a pre-school -level Technomage Apprentice Wannabe with certain similarity to a Borg on mental level, Incarnation of his Computer, Embodiment of Compulsive Behavior and other imaginative titles, was standing behind him, ready to apply his lethal skills with the Martial Artz.
"I am an anti-Werp", Mimu shrieked defiantly, demonstrating skilled strike combinations right in front of Werp. "TSUM-UH UUGGHHH! HHHAAAA! POW SMACK THWOMP CRUNCH OWWWW! SPLAT!" The theme music of Mortal Kombat was playing in the background. Abruptly Mimu stopped and pulled out a bottle of coke from the legendary X-backpack he took with him wherever he went and started to take a swig.
"So you are", Werp sighed and nudged him, causing the bottle to drop to the ground, spilling its dark contents. Mimu stared at the fallen bottle in horror as his movements slowed down to almost paralytical level.
With a low voice he gurgled, "why'd you do that..? coke... coke. must... have..... MUST!!!"
Mimu struck his opponent with a terrible shove sending him on the ground three meters away. He then turned at BJ, intending to destroy her in case she'd have something to drink in her refrigerator.
"Wait", BJ furtively tried in vain as Mimu approached her. "I am your father!" she cried not coming up with anything better. Mimu stopped uncertainly. "Search your feelings, you know it to be true", BJ pressed on.
"Nononononono..." Mimu mumbled. "It can't be true... NOOOOOO!!! wait a minute", he said realizing the situation. "You CAN'T be my father." Again he shambled toward BJ.
As our brave heroine could not think of anything else, she had to resort to her final, not too feminine weapon. She allowed her voice to break down so it was horribly out of key and she then let out a shriek nearing 13000 hertz and capable of severely demolishing lower-grade amplifiers. At least Werp had had the presence of mind to cover his ears when he saw BJ begin her deadly move, but Mimu could just whine piteously until the last of his energy was gone. He slumped to the ground, spent to the core. Finally a somber silence reallocated itself on the surroundings.
"Ohmigod!", Werp screamed getting up. "You killed Mimu! You --"
"'Ere, I'm not dead yet", the entity coughed from ground-level.
"You mortally wounded Mimu! He's suffering in unbearable pain! You --"
"Act-ahem-actually, I've been through worse", the ugly creature interrupted.
"You grievously wounded Mimu! He's probably crippled for life! You --"
"I think, I just might pull through", the gruesome one consoled him, standing up but wobbling a bit, brushing dirt off his clothes. Werp smacked him back down with the classic Acme-anvil he had been lugging along for some time.
BJ gave a sad glance at the pathetic heap who had sometime been Mimu, lying on the ground. She turned her remorseful gaze to the fellow swaying next to her and communicated a complex message to him by fluttering her eyes.
Werp fluttered a reply. "Don't Cry?"
BJ blinked once, "No."
"Everybody Hurts? No Woman No Cry? Staying Alive? I Will Survive?"
"No!"
"The Coca-Cola Theme Song?"
"Might work but NO!"
"Never Gonna Say I'm Sorry? Who Wants To Live Forever? Live & Let Die? Knockin' On Heaven's Door? The Unforgiven? Another One Bites The Dust?"
BJ rolled her eyes and sighed. She fluttered a signal to the band in the background, which then gave her a high C. BJ got her voice in tune again and joined the song started by some electric guitars.
"So no one told you
Life was gonna be this way
Your job's a hoke, you're broke
Your love life's D.O.A. --"
"Hey hey hey, some limit even with taunting", Mimu sobbed from the ground in a broken voice, wiping tears from his face.
"Please listen to the end", BJ friendly encouraged him and moved on to a beautiful chorus duet along with Werp. Mimu slowly raised his gaze to the horizon, and felt much lighter. After the chorus BJ and Werp gave Mimu a hug and then they all sat down on the porch of BJ's home hole, watching the sun set.
Then the band responsible for all the music in this musical went to get some drinks from the fridge and joined them on the porch despite the author's protests. Watching the beautiful dusk, they started humming a tune. Attracted by the humming, a large rabid sewer rat last seen under an anvil, having gotten better, scuttled to them. Mimu picked her up and petted her gently, a hint of smile on his lips.
"Row... row... row... your boat...
gently down the stream...
Merrily... merrily... merrily... merrily
Life... is like... a dream..."
They all joined the song, forming a beautiful mixed chorus.
"Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Life is like a dream..."
And they never stopped until morning.